Meeting the monkey!

Endorphins

2010-01-15T22:31:00.001+02:00

I am addicted to running.
When I run, I am a better person.
When I run, I have time to think about life.
When I run, I like myself.

Monkey playing dress-up!

2010-01-12T23:11:00.000+02:00

Buying a house

2010-01-12T22:55:00.005+02:00

On a recent long run (this past Sunday, to be exact), I had a house-buying epiphany. Not that I am planning on house-buying soon, but I am enjoying the idea.
And the conclusion of two hours of watching and pondering was that it doesn't really matter what the house looks like, I am buying the one with the Narnia lamp-post in the garden. :)

2010

2010-01-12T22:46:00.002+02:00

A new year
new plans
new ideas
a new blank page
I love it!

Ghosts of the past

2009-10-23T21:38:00.002+02:00

This past week I've been pondering a lot about my childhood, my teenage years, things and people who crossed my path that influenced to a great extent who I am today. It was good to review memories that I really haven't thought of in years.

And every now and again I caught myself smiling...

Beautiful monkey...

2009-10-23T20:57:00.002+02:00

On top of the world, monkey!

2009-09-16T23:30:00.000+02:00

Monkey bites!

2009-09-07T23:25:00.000+02:00

Sunday night musings

2009-08-23T22:13:00.002+02:00

What is it with cold Sunday nights home alone under a blanket on the couch?

Thinking about life, the universe... swine flu, gardening, moving to a new house, dinner parties, jungle gyms, books, books, reading, books, the queen of England, my crazy colleague, polka-dots, time capsules, handprints, babies, castles, biographies, poodles, bubbles, stomach-ache, chocolate, weddings, the mountains, poetry, love poetry, Afrikaanse liefdesgedigte, Finding Nemo, chocolate (again), books (again), crying, London, blah blah blah...

Monkey in the (?night) garden!

2009-08-23T22:03:00.002+02:00

My monkey...

2009-08-19T21:26:00.001+02:00

Happy birthday, monkey!

2009-08-12T23:07:00.001+02:00

Remembering...

2009-08-10T21:20:00.002+02:00

Sitting here thinking about myself a year ago - massive belly, hugely uncomfortable, waiting, waiting...
A year later and my life has changed completely.
The monkey has brought so much love, blessings and wonder into every new day.
I am amazed.

Party monkey!

2009-08-10T20:41:00.001+02:00

The monkey's first birthday party!
The theme of the cake was "In the Night Garden" - the monkey's favourite TV show :)

My monkey - almost one year old!

2009-08-07T20:26:00.000+02:00

Brrrrrr monkey!

2009-07-09T21:09:00.003+02:00

The monkey's first experience of 'snow'... in the Lesotho mountains on our recent road trip holiday. She enjoyed every moment!

Nostalgia

2009-07-02T23:16:00.001+02:00

Why do winter nights
make me ponder
open closets of memories
unlock hidden thoughts
provoke teary eyes
bring painful nostalgia?

Is it the cold?
The caffeine overdose?

Or is it just me?

Model monkey! :)

2009-06-26T20:21:00.001+02:00

My library

2009-06-09T21:21:00.001+02:00

I have a dream that one day, when I am all grown up and we have our own house, I will have my own library.
In this library there will be (as in any true library) an impressive collection of books! There will also be a bay window, a couch with comfy pillows and a fluffy blanket (especially for those freezy winter evenings), hopefully a view of the sunset, a huge dark wooden desk with two bunker lamps, and on the wall a huge map of the world - one of those ancient maps with the pictures and the Latin names for the continents... :)

There will also be a 'special collection' shelf. A space to keep (safe and protected and special) those books that have crossed my path and really touched my soul. Sometimes when I am frustrated or when the problems of the world overwhelms me, I imagine myself standing in front of my own 'special collection', just touching the spines of these few 'soulmates', immersing myself in the emotions they provoked, and escaping from the mundane worries of everyday life. For anyone else this shelf may just look like a random collection of unrelated stories, but for me they are different...

This week I found, by recommendation of a special friend, another unexpected treasure to add to my collection. I was swept off my feet, on an emotional rollercoaster, devouring it yet stretching it out as long as possible in the fear of reaching the end...
"The Time Traveler's Wife".

All I can say is, wow.

Training log

2009-05-31T20:26:00.002+02:00

This first week of training I managed three good 5km runs, and a challenging but hugely enjoyable +/-20km mountain bike adventure.
Slowly but surely!

What a weekend

2009-05-31T20:01:00.002+02:00

Spent this past weekend in the Mpumalanga Highveld, near Dullstroom. We decided (with a bit of difficulty and a few pangs of guilt) to leave the monkey at home with her granny. And she had a great time while we recharged and had a bit of time to focus on emotional reconnecting :)

The lodge where we stayed is a truly beautiful place. Each log cabin has a massive fireplace (we used a MOUNTAIN of firewood - temperature was below freezing at night!) and also has its own two mountain bikes - we had an epic journey of about 20km through and around the plantations on the farm. Two nights of uninterrupted sleep was a welcome bonus after a difficult monkey-sleeping-week last week. And I managed to read a whole book!

Emotionally and physically recharged, full of courage to face another long week at work...

Big aspirations

2009-05-27T20:16:00.003+02:00

My long-term running goals:
http://www.sevencontinentsclub.com/
http://www.northpolemarathon.com/html/20039.html

Sounds impossible?
Maybe, but I am a firm believer in the power of goal-setting :)

Entered the lottery for the 2010 London Marathon. Mmm... doing my favourite activity in my favourite city... having such a good excuse to visit my favourite city...
how much better can you get?? :)

Monkey profile

2009-05-27T20:05:00.003+02:00

On the road again

2009-05-27T19:52:00.002+02:00

Not a hugely important piece of info, but just to say that watching Comrades on TV Sunday was torture. Every fibre of my being wanted to be there, to be running, to be suffering, to once again experience the absolute indescribable awe of the event called the Comrades Marathon.

I think everyone that has ever been part of it knows the feeling.

And on Monday afternoon I was back on the road. Yes, the monkey will still be my first priority, and work will still be busy, and it will be difficult I KNOW, but maybe if I start now, next year's wish will become reality.

So sorry if you find it horribly boring, but from now I'll post a weekly update on how the training is progressing. :) And next year, 30 May - Comrades #3!

These moments make it all worthwhile

2009-05-21T20:34:00.004+02:00

I am a happy doctor. Most of the time I feel good about the career choices I have made up to now, and I am excited about what lies ahead. In the department where I work I often wonder whether I do not fit in, maybe just because I am too emotionally stable. I think I have a superb support network and my coping skills have always been able to get me through the more difficult times.

But on a call night, especially in mid-winter when the temperature in our hospital's outside corridors must be way below bearable, there are always those nagging feelings of doubt. They lurk in the shadows of the labour ward, comes floating out of casualties like the smog that covers the 'wrong side of the city' at night, and they enter your heart and soul like the icy fingers of a horror movie character... When you crawl into bed exhausted at 4am to attempt an efficient power nap (whoever invented that ridiculous concept!) and your feet are freezing (but you are too scared to switch on the 30-something-year old heater for fear of being electrocuted!) AND THEN
the phone rings...
That is when you need guts. Vasbyt. The will to win, the instinct to survive.
And, a "moment".

Like when the anaesthetist looks at the doctor doing the seventh C-section for the night and asks her: "What is going on, dr M? Are vagina's out of stock tonight?"
(I nearly fell over laughing!! At 3am this was seriously funny, especially as it is the standard excuse for everything not being there when you want it. Including life-saving emergency drugs, unfortunately. "Sorry dr, it is O/S!")

Like when the newborn baby gives his very first cry and the (usually extremely grumpy) scrub-sister looks up and yells "Happy birthday, baby!" with a smile that beams like the sun...

Like when the fourth year student phones you and asks "Are you the paediatrician on call" and you think "not until December 2012" but you say "yes" with so much confidence you almost feel like you are there already :)

Like the unnamed cameraderie and companionship you share with the other stethoscope-carriers walking the corridors in the early morning hours, just with a knowing look and a smile and a nod.

And then you open the door and you realise the sun is rising, you see the new day dawning in hues of pink and orange, you appreciate a sunrise so much more than a sunset and you stand still for a few moments
saying thank you for the gift of a new day
for the hope that comes with the first sunlight
for the end of another night of struggles
and for the wonder of new life that you were allowed to witness again.

Peek-a-monkey!

2009-05-21T19:43:00.001+02:00

I confess I am guilty

2009-05-15T19:14:00.002+02:00

Today, after almost 10 years of being a driver, I was in my first proper car accident.
Or to tell the truth, I was the sole guilty party in my first car accident.

BBBOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!

CRUNCH!

&*%^&#@!!!!

I do not know exactly where my mind was at the moment, because I had both hands on the steering wheel and eyes on the road, but obviously my brain was somewhere on a different planet... The cars waiting to go around the mini circle were standing all quietly in a row minding their own business (just have to say, there is not usually a queue of cars at this specific mini circle around 17h00 the afternoon) and here comes Mrs Sleepyhead in her huge car, over the crest of the little hill, probably around 50km/h...
and
BOOM!
When I realised that the car in front of me was standing completely still I was about 3m away. I did not even turn the wheel to attempt evasive action, just floored the brakes and felt how all my hair were standing on end.

Shame, the poor guy in the little Tata Indica.

Expletives poured from his mouth, think he was shocked beyond words (I would have been!) and I just kept apologising, shame, poor guy, surely he thinks I have lost it completely. He was SO extremely nice after the shock wore off, just kept saying sorry for his rude words...

A good learning experience.
Try to get enough sleep even if you feel a bit manic in the middle of the night.
Know what to do at the scene (what information to gather and how to stay calm).
Forgive the poor innocent victim for the string of #$%@! that he uttered.
And last but not least, remember how much worse it could have been.

I am not usually the kind of person who will laugh in a serious situation, but I could not help thinking my version of 'always look on the bright side'...:

Toyota Fortuner 1 - Tata Indica 0.

I love my job... do you?

2009-05-14T23:07:00.003+02:00

This was a hectic week. And it is not over yet.
But I passed my diploma, and now I can (on days that I feel... well... 'braggy') write under my signature a double qualification. Oh, the feeble pleasures of the human mind... ;)
I also survived my Wednesday-big-scary-academic-presentation and the prof who supervised me (self-confessed OCD?) did not allow me to answer a single question afterwards - she did it all herself. So I don't think I really made any impression. And the topic was,
wait for it...
B O R I N G !!!
(sorry to the nerve-interested souls out there but neuro it NOT my favourite of subjects...)

I also survived my first few days in the new ward/rotation, working in general paeds now and quite surprised by how sick the kids get. SEVERE kwashiorkor especially - I haven't seen so many kwashi babies in a long time. It is scary.
I am missing oncology and missing the hugs and smiles and playful athmosphere, but I surprisingly get the feeling like I may actually enjoy the general ward. I haven't worked in general paeds in a long time (not since my Tembisa days).

I also got a introductory (practice) case to my research project that ended up keeping me busy for almost the whole morning. Interesting work, although quite morbid, but hopefully my reseach will actually make a difference, compared to many MMed research projects looking at figures and counting statistics but never really giving back to the patient population.

All in all at the moment I find my work to be satisfying, stimulating and rewarding. Not many people working on the wrong end of town can say the same! :)

Why do I run?

2009-05-12T00:51:00.002+02:00

I have a lot on my mind and I need a lot of time to get it all out black on white, but for now it is 01h00 in the morning and I have just finished preparing for my first big post-graduate presentation due on Wednesday. I have also done my practical exam for the Diploma in Child Health this (yesterday?) morning, and I am also on call tomorrow. All in all consensus is that I really should probably be in bed now catching a quick snooze before the monkey wakes up for her early morning bottle (some mornings earlier than others). But I have had this thought that I have been wanting to share with the world. Maybe it sounds stupid or insignificant or just something to laugh at, but I have really been pondering/wondering about it...

Am I the only twenty-something nearer to thirty medical school graduate/ mom/ relatively "normal" person that RUN to the other side of the hospital when I am late for ward rounds / when there is an emergency/ when I just cannot take the S L O W walking pace of the rest of the world??
I honestly have to confess that almost not a day passes without me quickly (LITERALLY) running somewhere. In my working attire. Stethoscope in hand, clutching my bag, wind-through-my-hair kind of running. And at this relatively late stage in my life I suddenly came to the shocking realisation that I
NEVER
EVER
EVER
see anybody else running
ANYWHERE
unless it is for exercise (in running clothes... etc)

AM I NORMAL?????

Hello there, monkey!

2009-05-06T20:20:00.000+02:00

Good morning, monkey!

2009-04-29T21:10:00.002+02:00

After sleeping the second night in her own bed, the monkey woke up (after a few night-time awakenings) with a huge smile and her first tooth! It is a tiny little tip of the tooth but it is definitely there (at last - was wondering if my baby would remain toothless forever!)...
She also stood alone (no support) for a few seconds yesterday, and this morning was banging objects together like she's been doing it for ages.
I know I have said this before and I may say it again, but I really am amazed at the way she learns something new every day. One can almost hear the synapses forming... :)

Democratic monkey :)

2009-04-28T20:22:00.001+02:00

Growing together

2009-04-27T20:31:00.002+02:00

About two hours ago I put my baby to bed. In her own bed, in her own room. Tonight will be the first night that we sleep together in the same house but in different rooms. It will be the first night that I have to listen to the baby monitor to know when my monkey needs me. It will be the first time in many months that I can brush my teeth as loud as I want and read a few pages of my book in bed before turning off the light. The first time since the birth of the monkey that I do not need to crawl into bed in the dark.

I must confess, it is quite a big step. Subconsciously I have been pondering about taking the plunge, but I am surprised at myself for doing it tonight. It all seems a bit abrupt and sudden. I think that a part of me is scared that it will get more difficult if I leave it too long, and since we were 'out of routine' the past three nights (we spent the long weekend in the 'bush') tonight is as good a night as any.

But sitting here I am looking at the baby monitor with a heavy heart, knowing that this process of growing up will bring with it many more scary moments such as this.

Winter monkey

2009-04-22T11:00:00.002+02:00

We will always remember you

2009-04-20T23:40:00.005+02:00

My friend
my little one
my girl

you were my patient but so much more
you had a beautiful soul
you were wise way beyond your years
you knew too much grief
but you were still filled with joy
you taught me compassion again
and empathy
your soul connected with mine
despite our hugely different backgrounds
you were always filled with hope
and you inspired those around you

i remember your hugs, your little hands, your eyes and your smile
you were a gem, a sparkle, a joy
you enriched my days
over and over again

and when the end came nearer you struggled
you kept hanging on
you did not want to let go

but today
your soul waved a final goodbye
swept away
forever to be free
free
of pain
free of nightmares
free of suffering

and here on earth we smiled through our tears
we were grieved
but happy
knowing that wherever you are now
you are happy
your memory will always be with us
and through our tears
we will remember you
with joy

The flame still flickers

2009-04-19T19:39:00.004+02:00

Ten days after saying a 'final' goodbye she is still breathing. On Thursday there was a short moment when she actually held my hand and squeezed it a bit. And for a few optimistic seconds I could feel hope swelling in my chest and nudging the corners of my mouth in the direction of an almost-smile...
But today she was convulsing again, focal (one-sided) convulsions, probably due to the ominous disease slowly destroying her being. And I held her hand, once again, stroked her fingers, tried to will her into knowing that I am there. And that, even when I am not there - even when no-one is with her, she is never alone. And that she should not be scared to let go. I believe that in the Place she is going to she will find happiness, be reunited with her parents, and finally be able to forget about the pain and the nightmares.
So we are still waiting for the final farewell.

Little Bookworm

2009-04-15T20:19:00.002+02:00

Never too early to start brainwashing your baby to inherit your own obsessions... :)

The picture was taken in February, Emma obviously enjoying the book. Today she impressed me immensely - we were reading "Waar is Otto", and she was opening all the flaps by herself! I know she probably practised before with her granny, but I didn't expect her to be able to open them all without any help! Wow! :)

Smily monkey

2009-04-13T11:04:00.003+02:00

My little angel... isn't she the most adorable!!

Jetsetter!

2009-04-12T11:45:00.003+02:00

So on Friday morning hubby asks if I would like to join him for a quick trip to Cape Town! I had to accompany him on his flight schedule, which meant that we took a 'slightly' longer route :) but it was quite exciting landing in Durban with monsoon-like weather and then on the leg from Durban to Cape Town admiring the sunset over the endless expanse of clouds with the full moon rising in the east...

Had a quiet night in the hotel in Buitengracht Str and woke up with an awesome view of the Mountain, then explored the City and had a most enjoyable breakfast-omelet at a small sidewalk cafe - a real touristy morning! After breakfast took a lazy stroll through the Kompanjies tuin (see pic) and then had a drink on the beach at Camp's Bay before catching the noon flight back to Jhb.

Realising more and more how important it is to spend time with each other away from the monkey (even if only for a few hours) cementing our relationship and sharing true quality time. Not always easy to find the right balance - but worth trying.

Goodbyes

2009-04-09T19:49:00.002+02:00

The last time she spoke to me she told me that the nightmares were back. And she asked me to bring her some Tropica. The second last time she was confused, and thought that she saw her granny standing outside the door. She called 'gogo!' and I held her hand and told her that her granny would be there later. Today I held her hand and stroked her bald little head. I told her I am there and I am always thinking of her. But I do not know if she heard me.

The end seems to be close now.

She is unconscious, breathes with difficulty, and has no movement of the right side of her body. After my emotional goodbye I found myself, on my way home today, wondering what I would want if she was my child. If I would be able to watch her slowly drifting away, unsure if her nightmares were even now torturing her during her last few days?hours? If I would approach the doctor and ask if there was an easy way to end her suffering? I am not one to easily speak out on contentious issues like euthanasia, but in this case... knowing that she is probably suffering, knowing that there is really no hope for cure...

I left the hospital with a very heavy heart - knowing that her bed may be empty when I return on Tuesday. But I will never forget her, never forget the unexpected special companionship we shared. I may not be a better doctor but I will forever be a richer person for having known her.

Aspirations

2009-04-08T23:03:00.003+02:00

One day...

I want to be ridiculously well-read

I want to run a marathon on every continent

I want to ride the Trans-Siberian Express.

Shopping

2009-04-07T21:01:00.003+02:00

I had a unusually quiet call Sunday night - only 3 C-sections and one admission, a little 960g baby who luckily did not need ventilation. In between I managed to get in an uninterrupted block of four hours' sleep. And for those who think that on-call sleep is never quite as good as 'the real thing' - wait until you have a baby at home! Suddenly the bed in the dark recesses behind the labour ward, still with the same bed linen as three calls ago (two weeks?) allows me to fall into the deepest most enjoyable sleep.. even if it only lasts a few minutes or hours.

So for a change the post-call afternoon yesterday was not spent all grumpy trying to catch up on lost (forever?) sleep. Hubby was also at home, and we decided to take the monkey on a lunch-date. It included a stroll through the mall and a very tasty lunch - we ate while Emma charmed all the waiters and the chef with her million-dollar (toothless) smile :). And the stroll (as always) included a visit to the bookshop...

I have to confess, I am addicted to books. There are times when I just don't allow myself to walk past my favourite bookshop (usually when the budget gets extremely tight) but these times usually do not last more than a few weeks. Yesterday, luckily, I had a few hundred rand in vouchers to indulge myself... and it was hugely satisfying to pay R8 (the amount that remained) for three brand-new books. Now just to get the time to read them, and the other 20-something books stacked on my to-read-pile...

On death and dying

2009-04-03T21:20:00.004+02:00

For those to whom the title sound vaguely familiar, I am borrowing it from a lady called Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, whose book of this same title has been staring at me from my desk from underneath a steadily thickening layer of dust, for the last (yes, you guessed it) three months.

Do I remember myself saying distinctly that children with cancer are not busy dying? Maybe I should reconsider such a bold statement...

In January, my second week at oncology, I was working in the very busy and sometimes chaotic oncology outpatients clinic (a small stuffy room in the back corner of the ward that can get quite claustrophobic with patients, mothers and doctors competing for the last gulp of fresh air). Most of the patients who were diagnosed the last few months of 2008 and had spent a few weeks/months in the ward were sent home for Christmas, and most of them came in those first two weeks of January to be readmitted to continue on whichever protocol of management they were busy with over the festive season. All of the readmitted kids needed bloods to be taken, forms to be filled in, treatment to be planned... Suffice to say it was a very chaotic outpatients clinic and I was hopeless and cluelessly stuck in the middle of it (luckily with a very helpful and unusually mild-tempered consultant). Into the midst of this chaos one afternoon entered a very worried-looking young lady (maybe around 20 years) with her younger sister who, at first glance, needed immediate attention. She was as white as a sheet.

Now just for background, I did my internship in a secondary hospital and spent 4 months in O+G. After I had spent a bit of time diagnosing and resuscitating women with ruptured ectopic pregnancies, I acquired the sometimes impressive ability to quite accurately predict a haemoglobin (Hb) count. Younger doctors and students tend to look at you as if you are going mad when you predict an Hb of 4 or even 3 (normal is around 12) - they do not expect the patient to still be alive and kicking with such a low count. In O+G I saw a few ruptured ectopic pregnancies causing massive intra-abdominal bleeding and very low Hbs. And (unlucky me!) on day one of my gynae rotation in internship I learnt that when you see a patient with such a pale tongue, you run. Not as in run away, but as in run to the blood bank/ emergency blood freezer/ wherever you can find blood urgently. As in URGENTLY.

So on this afternoon, in the madness of oncology outpatients, the very worried older sister quickly explained that the patient (10 years old) had been treated in 2005 for a cancer found somewhere in her abdomen. They came in with her old file, impressively thick, and said that she was feeling a bit dizzy... And yes, you guessed it (again), when I asked to see her tongue I felt my stomach roll into a tight ball and my brain just saying "run! run! run! blood bank! emergency!!"

Her tongue was the same colour that I remembered so clearly from those ectopic pregnancy days. I told the intern with the little authority I could muster (after she had been watching me for two weeks basically being clueless and helpless in a new ward) "this patient has a Hb of 3! we need emergency blood!"
Obviously it was not quite the same as someone with a ruptured ectopic pregnancy who is actually busy losing blood into the abdominal cavity, but I think all the times I resuscitated those patients came in handy. Before long my patient, lying on the bed with big, scared eyes, was receiving the first of three units of blood and I had time to listen to the story and open the file.

This little girl was initially diagnosed with an ovarian germ cell tumour in 2005. It was successfully treated and managed and she was discharged with a clean bill of health after completing therapy. However, in the course of the management, she had received a lot of strong, very toxic chemotherapy. And now it seemed as if she had leukaemia.

An urgent full blood count with blood smear confirmed the presence of a massive predominance of blast cells, and a bicytopaenia (with the very low Hb she also had very low platelets, which could cause her to bleed from basically anywhere). Her Hb, in fact, was even lower than my confident prediction - is was 2.5. Eish. An urgent bone marrow biopsy confirmed acute leukaemia, the type fitting with the presence of DNA damaged cells (the damage obviously caused by her previous chemotherapy). This beautiful little scared, big-eyed girl had another cancer. Yes, you heard me correctly, she was 10 years old at the time and had just been diagnosed with cancer for the second time.

Treatment was commenced immediately, and early in February I assumed the responsibility of looking after her daily progress in the ward (instead of struggling through outpatients I was now promoted to being responsible for all the patients in the ward with leukaemia or lymphoma). From the first day I realised that this girl was different. She had a way of looking at you that was way beyond her years. She was always friendly, full of jokes, and willing to help. But underneath all the jokes she was really mature and perceptive for her age. Before long we surprisingly found that we had become close friends. Yes I admit that I saw the danger and possible pain of getting emotionally involved but I could not help it - we were just on the same 'wavelength'. We understood each other, we talked about the future and future plans, she joined me on ward rounds, we talked some more, we had a picnic under the big tree opposite labour ward to celebrate her 11th birthday...

She did relatively well through her first two cycles of chemo, and completed the third cycle this week Tuesday. Then on Wednesday she started having convulsions, yesterday morning she could not see properly anymore, and today she cannot walk on her own anymore. The CT scan of her brain showed nothing much, no obvious tumour, but she is rapidly deteriorating.

Suddenly I am not just a doctor in the ward, I am a friend who worry and worry and wipe away a tear now and then, trying to remain outwardly professional while inside I am heartbroken.

Is she dying? I do not know. But she may be. And she is going to. Her prognosis is poorer than the other leukaemia patients, considering that her cells are damaged by the previous chemotherapy and mutate just so much easier. Just the other day after saying goodbye I watched her little forlorn figure skipping back down the corridor to the ward, turning around to wave goodbye with a smile stretching from ear to ear. Now, that cloaked figure with his scythe (the one that Axel Munthe* and Marcus Zusak* described so well) was hovering ever closer...

I just hope that the companionship we shared the last few weeks and the little love I can still give will make a small difference - even if just to help her accept the inevitable.

* Two of my favourite books of all time "The story of San Michele" - Axel Munthe, and "The Book Thief" -Marcus Zusak

General update

2009-04-03T20:45:00.002+02:00

After not really blogging for about three months and after spending the last 2 evenings devouring three years worth of excellent blogging by a person I know/?friend ;)/colleague, I have a head exploding with post-ideas and plans. So much so that I really don't know where to begin. I want to post a monkey-update (she has reached a whole list of milestones since the last update!), I want to explain why my Comrades-plans sadly derailed, and I want to... talk about death. Amongst other things. Seeing that it is Friday night, monkey is sleeping peacefully and hubby is away on a nightstop, I decided the better way would be to split the post, separating everyday blah-blah from serious sadness.

So starting with everyday news... Emma is creepy-crawling at the speed of light (especially when our cat makes a sudden appearance on the other side of the room), she is pulling herself up to stand (captured the first successful try on video!), she is saying mama, papa, baba, and a word I will spell "ummm-ah" which sound suspiciously like she is trying to say Emma! I know I have said this before and this will not be (nearly) the last time but she is really growing and developing unbelievably fast. And she is beautiful and cute and she claps hands, kisses, waves goodbye... just too oulik for words! :)

About Comrades I don't feel like saying much aside from the fact that part of me is really really extremely disappointed. I was looking forward to the Challenge, I was motivated, I was even prepared to wake up early a few times (which is a lot for me to say!)... but work and studying and family just took too much time and energy. And at this stage of my life family, work and studying has to take priority. So I will sadly postpone big C #3 until a more suitable time, and in the meantime maybe try to work on my speed a bit ;) while regaining my pre-pregnancy/baby body and muscle strength. (On the topic of training, we have a family challenge for the 94.7 cycle race, so maybe I should start cycling before another three months whizz past!)

Pondering another post about the importance of (and my dependence on) family. Parents, siblings and hubby out of town at the moment and feeling pretty alone already. Luckily there is such a thing as in-laws ;)

Remembering why

2009-04-01T20:12:00.005+02:00

Today I started my last month in paediatric oncology. As I mentioned before, I was amazed by the amount of, lets call it (by lack of a better explanation) 'job satisfaction' I unexpectedly found in the paeds oncology ward. As I also alluded to before, I had in my mind's eye visions of terminally ill, miserable, sad patients, struggling through endless chemotherapy causing long hours of misery, nausea, vomiting, and who knows what else. How wonderfully surprised I was to find a place filled with... life! Kids with cancer are not busy dying. They are busy suriviving, getting over it, and sometimes just temporarily irritated with the inconvenience of having to deal with a few side-effects of therapy. Yes there are complications and bleeding and fevers and pain (lots of it at times) but there is hardly ever 'giving up'. The resilience of 'my patients' (oh yes, they belong to me!) never stops amazing me.

Of course another very special aspect of working in oncology is the fact that it is a relatively constant patient population, and very soon you find yourself being incorporated into the daily existence of every child. You start off by memorising weird and wonderful diagnoses, but before long you are able to piece together names, faces and (now less weird) diagnoses. Then, after a few weeks, you realise with a smile that you have bonded, in the true sense of the word, with a bunch of kids. Even though they come from completely different backgrounds, don't necessarily speak your language, didn't initially like this new stranger sticking needles into them for a whole long list of tests that make absolutely no sense to them... you suddenly find yourself part of the team. You are no longer a stranger. Slowly but surely you even get to know the finer nuances of their unique personalities, and you pride yourself at being able to spot the temperature spikes from the other side of the cubicle. You know each patient's reaction to chemotherapy, you anticipate the complications, you even feel up to managing the odd complication. And in a sudden quiet moment of clarity you remember again why you decided to study medicine. You are transported back to the days when you were full of ideals, all starry-eyed and innocent, making plans to change the world. And you know that, behind your tired eyes and underneath your thicker skin, you are still the same person. Maybe, for a few of these kids, you can still change the world.

Monkey update

2009-04-01T19:19:00.001+02:00

Breaking the silence!

2009-03-29T21:20:00.000+02:00

It has been a LONG time! Combination of permanent tiredness, too many calls, exams, monkey-minding, internetlessness, blah blah blah...
but ENOUGH already! Time to get blogging again!

Since my last post I have...
- stopped crying (after a month?!)
- attended my 10-year high school reunion (and had a few good laughs!)
- turned a year older
- proudly finished the Midmar mile(!) :)
- struggled through three tough exam papers (currently awaiting the results)
- worked five weekends in a row
- flown to Durban and back in the cockpit of an MD-82 (WOW! what an experience!!)
(and had a 20-hour mini-holiday with hubby)
...
etc.

At work things are going better. I am still enjoying oncology, feeling a bit more at home with the medical side of it and still enjoying every moment I spend with the kids. I must say there will be floods of tears at the end of April when I have to say goodbye... My last few calls were extremely hectic, C-sections one after another right through the night and admissions in the early hours of the morning, thus making for very little sleep and a few cranky post-call days. One even included a trip to the dentist (and I am more scared of a dentist that anything else in the world!) which I luckily survived without too much emotional damage.

Planning a trip to London again, probably won't happen but just in the mood to plan (one of those 'phases'...)

This weekend was the one of the mini-holiday - what a thrill! - flying with hubby on the jumpseat in the cockpit of his BIG aeroplane!! And then having sushi at the sushi-bar, being picked up for breakfast the next morning by my dearest friend and having a long walk on the beach and a heart-to-heart talk... what better therapy for a tired soul?! :)
And then, earth-hour, supposedly starting at 20h30, turning into earth-all-night in our little home, falling asleep on the couch at 20h45, crawling from there straight into bed, and waking this morning at 06h00 after the monkey slept all night...
Wow.
Suddenly I feel rejuvenated! Carpe diem! :)

A quote

2009-01-19T21:44:00.002+02:00

And for today, just a quote from a song by a band called Freiheit:

"The hopes we had were much too high
Way out of reach but we have to try
No need to hide no need to run
'Cause all the answers come one by one
The game will never be over
Because we're keeping the dream alive..."

2009-01-11T20:48:00.002+02:00

I have officially survived my first week of being a registrar.
Wow.
The week rushed over me with all the force of the cliche'ed tsunami, and I must confess, I am surprised that I managed to keep breathing. It was busy, chaotic, new, overwhelming, scary, and exciting - all at the same time! And... tomorrow, we go again! :)

I started in Kalafong hospital in the Paediatric Oncology ward. I cannot believe how quickly one gets attached to the kids. I have heard a lot about oncology, I have seen the absolute devastation of bad news on colleagues, and suddenly I am beginning to understand the absolute hugeness of the involvement you experience when working with them. It is scary. Emotionally draining, yes, but oh so rewarding and enjoyable at the same time... I know it sounds paradoxical but that is the way I am experiencing it. And it amazes me.

A colleague this week shared an interesting viewpoint: in the same way that all little boys want to become policemen and firemen when they grow up, all paediatric registrars initially want to become neonatologists. And how true! I was there, I still love neonatology, I will always have a special corner of my heart belonging to those tiny little ones I lovingly call monkeys... but I am over the neonatology ideal. And at the moment, I am really experiencing a completely different but exciting and inspiring side of paediatrics...
(and for those not understanding this bit of technicality, sorry, just felt that I had to share it!)

On the training front, I ran and completed a half marathon yesterday!! Aside from slightly stiff quads and sore knees, and a horribly painful second-toe-nail on my left foot, I actually did very well! I am fit, strong (definitely stronger on hills than I used to be considering where I am in my current training programme), but MAN, I AM S L O W !!! Jeepers! It took me FOREVER! I did start really slow, and ran good negative splits, but I definitely need to work on my speed a bit...
However, I am on schedule for the 24th of May, and taking it small steps at a time ;)

Emma is doing really great. Developing at such a speed that I can hardly keep up! This afternoon we were playing outside, and she managed to worm/leopard crawl/slide her way across the blanket! She also sits well with some support, enjoys baby-push-ups, and rolls over back to tummy and back again with practised ease :)... She started eating some baby cereal yesterday and aside from the hilarious facial expressions ranging from disgust to surprise to utter confusion... it actually went quite well and some of the cereal at least found its way down... I think! She is more beautiful and cuter and sweeter and kissable every day - I am totally and utterly overwhelmed by the power of the love I feel for her.

Latest pics...

2009-01-11T20:28:00.003+02:00

Pictures at last! (December/Christmas)

2009-01-11T16:36:00.003+02:00

New Year!

2009-01-01T19:58:00.000+02:00

It is the 1st of January 2009.
I cannot believe that 2008 is officially history now...
it was a big year...

I am busy with resolutions and 'bucket lists' ;) more because I am a 'list-person' than anything else, hehe.
Some of my plans (some more challenging/interesting than others)...

- Swim the Midmar Mile (February)
- Pass the Diploma in Child Health (March)
- Run and finish my 3rd Comrades Marathon (May)
- Plan a very exciting mini-holiday or two ;)
- Watch a performance of 'The Parlotones'
- Make a VERY concerted effort to study a little bit every day, and read up on my clinical cases
- Create at least one (but preferably a few) scrapbook pages each month
- and of course, spend as much quality time as possible with my hubby and my little monkey...
... just a few quick ideas.

I wanted to upload some b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l pictures of Emma on Christmas day, but unfortunately my computer is saying 'NO'! Hopefully soon!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
(or as they say where I work, 'Compliments of the Season to you and your family!')

December-laziness...

2008-12-27T15:39:00.001+02:00

Christmas has come and gone... and I am, for the moment, enjoying time at home with hubby and little monkey! My first three weeks back at work went well. Aside from a few moments of intense emotion (missing the little one!) and worry, I coped well, and Emma is thriving.
I have been on leave now again for the past week. All Emma's grandparents are on leave so we are a bit lonely in good old Pretoria, but it is really just a time of rest and relaxation and enjoying quality as well as quantity time with little Emma.
She is growing and developing SO quickly! She is rolling over from back to tummy with ease, and this morning passed her rattle from one hand to the other(!), also babbling and laughing and 'making conversation'..., grabbing and examining her feet (she hasn't put them into her mouth quite yet!), and sitting very well with a bit of support... :)
Yesterday we went jogging to the gym and back (to do the good old card-swipe...) a full 13km's with Emma in the baby-jogger that we borrowed. It was FAR but so much fun! I have ordered our own jogger that will be arriving the 5th of January :) looking forward to a lot of good runs...

We had a quiet and very enjoyable Christmas day. Before the families went on holiday we had two huge Christmas celebrations with them (consecutive nights!) with good food and company and lots of presents... so on the 25th we just enjoyed being at home, the three of us. We went to church, then came home and had starters in the garden, had an early braai for lunch, and later the afternoon Emma had her first taste of solid food (butternut!) that wasn't extremely successful ;)

Otherwise doing very well, starting to make plans for the new year, and overall just enjoying the last bit of 2008 basking in the happy glow of motherhood!

Surviving!

2008-12-08T20:47:00.002+02:00

It is Monday again and, yes!, I survived the whole of my first back-to-work-week, including my first 26-hour shift on Saturday/Sunday! Little Emma is staying with the family, spending some good quality time with her dad, and enjoying the visits at granny (see photo!) while I am getting used to resuscitating, admitting, intubating, examining and diagnosing, and all the other weird and wonderful things that make up my working day...
Good news - I am officially starting to specialise in January, got my appointment letter on Friday and signed the acceptance letter today. Which means we can start counting sleeps until I am finished studying (although it is at the moment a dizzying total of 1484 days...)

I went for a great 8km run today! Fitting training in between work and family time is going to take a lot of effort but it is so worth it - I felt like a million bucks! There is nothing better under the sun to get rid of all worries...
... and Comrades is only 166 days and 8 hours away... ;)

Also planning to swim the Midmar mile in February (and use it as a good excuse to visit Emma's godparents in Hillcrest!! :) ), so I'll have to maybe fit in a few quick swims between now and then...

And just a last word - I CAN NOT BELIEVE it is the 8th of December, only 17 days till Christmas and only 23 days till 2009. The year 2008 just swept past me like a flash, and bowled me over completely (in a good way!). Wow...

Back to work...

2008-12-02T19:58:00.000+02:00

I started working again yesterday.
We are okay.
I am suviving, and Emma, I believe, is enjoying every moment of her dad and granny's special attention and company.
My heart is still very sore but I am sure it will get better - little by little every day.
I hope.

Emma Christening 9 November

2008-11-30T21:01:00.005+02:00

Oh what a beautiful amazing special occasion...

News update

2008-11-27T15:54:00.003+02:00

Yes, November is almost gone, December is only a wink of an eye away, and my four months of maternity leave is history. I am still completely in denial about going back to work on Monday, but I suppose I will have to face reality at some stage...

We had a great month. Emma's christening was a wonderfully blessed day, will post the pictures over the weekend. At the moment we are still enjoying our sea-holiday, Emma has had her little toes in the sea (!) and looked too cute for words in her polka-dot bathing costume! I am relaxing, sleeping a lot, read three books in a few days, and generally just savouring the last few days with little Emma...
She is too adorable for words! She laughs, babbles, gurgles, coos, lifts her head, enjoys baby sit-ups, loves going on walks in her stroller, admires the trees outside the window from her car-seat, still sucks her thumb when she thinks we are not watching... I cannot explain the hugeness, the absolute overwhelming love that I feel for this little baby human being!

Picture update 2...

2008-11-27T15:29:00.002+02:00

Picture update!

2008-11-27T15:15:00.002+02:00

Anyone seen my tiger??

2008-11-04T21:34:00.002+02:00

Keeping busy...

2008-11-04T20:37:00.004+02:00

Today, we went Christmas shopping. It was a very successful outing except for my poor overloaded credit card... We went to the Unica market, and I was so impressed with all the beautiful things on sale! After more than two hours of browsing I just had to close my eyes and hand over that little piece of plastic... but I didn't really mind because I so much enjoy buying presents! I am seriously considering renting out my services as a professional buyer of gifts :)

Emma is growing so quickly. She now 'blows raspberries' (brrrrrs with her lips), babbles and coos a whole repertoire of different sounds, picks up her head and keeps it up, loves 'baby sit-ups', kicks the bath water all over the room... every day there is something new to discover and enjoy!
Tomorrow we are going for her 12 week immunisations - not the most enjoyable of outings but necessary...

And jumping to the topic of running, this past Saturday I managed to run 9km while Emma visited her grandparents. I was impressed! Didn't think I would be able to go that far but actually finished comfortably. Big plans, people! ;)

On Thursday I am having my job interview (for registrar post in 2009). Hold thumbs please!

And this weekend is going to be a busy one - on Sunday it is Emma's christening, and my friend Pia from Cape Town is visiting for the weekend as well as 'the original Emma' (my friend Emmie, where Emma got her name!). So we are going to have a great weekend of fun and excitement!

Comrades countdown

2008-10-29T10:01:00.003+02:00

206 days, 19 hours and 27 minutes...
Mmm...

Anyone that has ever experienced the event that is called the Comrades marathon will know that it is something that, somehow, takes hold of your soul. The feeling bubbles in your blood, the spirit becomes part of your heartbeat, the memory of elation gives you instant goosebumps... And now it is that time of year to commit or decide, to start the planning, to write up the training plans, to get jumpy with excitement, to find yourself suddenly smiling without reason and then remember... :)

Yesterday I managed to run 3km without needing a walk break. Today my legs feel like they ran 21km. I have a almost 3 month old baby, I am starting (hopefully!) to specialise in January, I have a family and a lot of family commitments, I do about 90-100 hours of overtime work every month, I will be working 2 out of 4 weekends...
BUT...
Oh, how my heart yearns to commit!!!

Milestones this week!

2008-10-26T20:12:00.004+02:00

Emma had an interesting week!!!

Had dinner at Primi Piatti with Margare (visiting from Ghana for a few weeks!)....

Went to the driving range...

Read a book... ;)

Wore her first pair of shoes...(!)

and met her godparents for the first time!!!

WHAT A WEEK!! :)

Yamika's first birthday!

2008-10-20T12:25:00.003+02:00

On Saturday Emma's cousin Yamika had her first birthday party! It was a beautiful party and we had SUCH a good time!!!

Emma - 2 months old!!

2008-10-12T20:42:00.001+02:00

2 months old today!

2008-10-12T20:19:00.002+02:00

I cannot believe it has been almost a month since my last post! You would think with being on maternity leave and having 'lots of time' at home I would get to blogging more often... alas... But as from today I will make a concerted effort to post an update at least once a week - at the speed that Emma is growing and developing there will be more than enough weekly news!!

The past three weeks have been one big happy joyful time. I am enjoying motherhood more than I ever hoped! I find myself babbling and cooing and telling Emma 'stories' for what feels like hours... she is so cute and smily and full of surprising reactions I just can't stop! :) Since my last post she is now really babbling, almost making conversation - she makes a sound, I respond, and so we continue until she laughs out loud! I feel like my heart can burst with love for this little human being...

Concerning our activities, we are still going to our weekly postnatal classes, we started a baby-massage course (and enjoying EVERY moment of our daily massage time!!), we went to the movies three times (!), we visit the families, we go walking/jogging with Emma in her stroller... overall we are keeping quite busy! There is hardly a day without 'plans' :)

I am starting to feel more like my old active self. Still have about 7kgs to get rid of (and they seem to be quite reluctant to leave!) but I am exercising, trying to eat healthy and (inevitably, while breastfeeding) drink LOTS and LOTS of water. And I am definitely feeling better. My C-section scar has healed beautifully and I do not experience any pain while training. But oh my word, the belly... it is going to take WORK to get rid of the belly!!
Went swimming in the gym pool this week, after not doing any swimming training for some years(!).. and it felt surprisingly good! For those of you who do not know, I used to be quite a serious swimmer in my 'young days'... and it was a funny experience to be proud of finishing 1km of swimming when I used to average 5-7km per training session... But good! And then this afternoon I ran/walked 5km with Emma in the stroller, in less than 40minutes. So, I think there is hope! I am trying to get my dad to swim the Midmar mile with me in February 2009 (his idea originally!) and I might decide to join a friend to run the Two Oceans Half marathon in April. Comrades, well, that will have to wait for a next time, maybe 2010.

I am slowly but surely starting to face the reality of having to go back to work. Seven weeks... I cannot believe it is getting close enough to almost start counting down... But for the moment I am making 100% sure that I enjoy EVERY moment I spend with Emma, feeling very priviledged that I have maternity leave for four months, and not stressing too much yet. That time will come all too soon. Still in two minds about the whole issue of breastfeeding and working... Oh, the issues that a new mom ponders about in the wee hours of the morning...

Talk again SOON, and I will post a few new pics of my happy little smiling bundle of joy!!

Smile!!

2008-09-19T20:00:00.002+02:00

Just a quick update - Emma is smiling almost all the time... she is BEAUTIFUL!!!

Growing up!

2008-09-11T14:40:00.003+02:00

Yes, we survived the 10 days without hubby/daddy and he is back from Zurich!! We went (with his parents) to pick him up from the airport this morning and it is unbelievably great to have him back and be a complete family again!!

The past 3 days we spent at my in-laws and we had a great time (despite missing hubby!). Emma is growing up incredibly quickly. She weighed 4,2kg's on Tuesday, is already 55cm long and she is really smiling!! (the picture shows but is it SO much nicer in real life!) At the moment she sleeps about one 5 to 6 hours stretch at night, and during the day she is much more awake and making conversation, smiling, looking around...

This coming weekend we are going on our first 'holiday' with little Emma! My family has a type of 'timeshare' in a house in Zebula (Mabalingwe) and we are joining them for an extended weekend away. Cannot wait!!

Time flies!!

2008-09-04T20:06:00.003+02:00

I cannot believe Emma is 3 weeks old already!

We are doing great, she is growing, and I am adjusting to being a mom of a little vulnerable human being...

My hubby went overseas on Monday evening and will only be back next week Thursday, so for the moment I'm staying with my parents. I am really missing him, but it is fun being with my family and having lots of helping hands around... early in the morning my mom fetches her from my room (to give me an hour's extra sleep) and puts her into the bed with her granddad - it is so cute to see her sleeping in such a huge bed!

Today her cousin came to visit, we went for our customary Thursday-afternoon walk with the two of them in their strollers, and they were wearing the same outfit!! It was ADORABLE!! (see picture!)

I am slowly getting back in shape, cannot wait to start running again... think that I will start short runs in between the walking from next week. Comrades 2009... in 261 days... who knows...? :)

Road racing!!

2008-08-31T18:19:00.002+02:00

Yes! Yesterday we did the Spar Ladies 5km road race... more of a stroll... I think it took us an hour and 10 minutes!! But it was SUCH fun!!!
(And I am sure at 18 days little Emma was definitely the youngest finisher!!)

The birth...

2008-08-24T19:17:00.002+02:00

I have promised that I will write the 'birth story'... and now, 12 days later, it already feels like something from another time! But true to my promise... here is just a short version of what happened on the day that Emma arrived.

We couldn't sleep the night before, knowing that the next day will probably be 'the day' or b-day :) So we stayed up late, talking and bonding and wondering about the changes ahead...

Up early on the morning of the 12th, got dressed, decided to pack the 'labour bag' in case, but left the hospital bag and baby's bag at home. Driving to the hospital, all butterfly-stomach and jittery and giggly... (I giggle when I stress!) And on arrival we were the first patients of the morning so into the office we go...

Let me explain at this point that I really really expected that we would try induction of labour. I knew that the previous week thing weren't yet 'favourable', but I thought that passing 40 weeks gestation it would've started happening! So, when I was lying there all vulnerable (as vulnerable as one can feel with a belly as huge as mount Everest!) and the doctor told us that this baby was not planning to come the normal way, well... no surprises there...
I was REALLY disappointed. Really, truly, deeply disappointed. At that stage all we knew was that the little monkey's head did not descend at all - we didn't know yet what the reason was. So after shedding a few tears and taking a DEEP breath, I begged the doctor if we could PLEASE at least do the c-section the same day. I had no power left, I could not wait till the next day.

So, before you could say 'baby!', I was booked for c-section for 11h15 the same morning, and we had 45 minutes to quickly fetch the bags from home. Walking out of the doctor's office we found my dad sitting in the coffee shop of the hospital, waiting to hear what the plan was. I was so glad to see him I burst into tears again! My mom joined us, they had coffee but I wasn't allowed to eat/drink anything so we left for home. I still had time to stop by the hairdresser for a quick blow-wave (hehe!) and then we were there in the labour ward being admitted, baby's heart rate checked, stepping on the scale (and nearly having a last-minute heart attack!), and then going to my room awaiting the procedure...

Those last few minutes waiting for things to start happening - in my little tiny hospital gown, giggling and unable to sit still - felt like ages!

Then the few unpleasant procedures preceding the big one - IV line and catheter (eeeek!)... and we were off! Being wheeled to theatre - how many times have I been on the 'other side' ... this time I was the PATIENT! And it was... quite scary!

The spinal was a bit unpleasant but the anaesthetist was quick and efficient. Then I was lying down, legs going numb, still giggling(!!), my mom was there (photographer this time, not paediatrician), hubby was next to me looking smashingly handsome in his scrubs :)...
and the next thing...
wow...
the cry!
my own baby's first cry!!!!
I couldn't stop the tears flowing for joy!!!!

It is a moment you cannot describe.
So, I won't even try, except for saying that it was completely and utterly overwhelmingly WOW.

My first glimpse of little Emma was just a purple little face, but she quickly turned pink, new daddy cut her umbilical cord, she was examined by the paeds dr and given Apgars of 9 and 10, and then she was there on my chest and the moment was so huge I could feel my heart exploding out of my chest! She was alert, already looking at me, and I was bursting with joy...

The rest of the day went by in a blur of excited faces, flowers, smiles, a bit of pain (it was an operation after all!), and before I knew it night had fallen and I was alone with my little tiny bundle of joy.
What a feeling!!!

Our first stroller-outing!

2008-08-21T21:39:00.003+02:00

Today I took the monkey out for her first walk in her cool three-wheeler jogger/stroller! We joined grandma, 'auntie' Cara and cousin Yamika for their weekly walk - about 3km! :) It was SO nice to be outside and active, and little Emma was quietly sleeping all the way - I'm sure she enjoyed it! She looked really adorable in her fluffy white 'monkey-suit' and her 'medi-twinkle' beanie...
Next week Saturday we're doing the Spar Ladies 5km walk (all the women of the family!), looking forward to it being the first of many walking/running events with the monkey!

One week old today!

2008-08-19T22:20:00.005+02:00

Emma is one week old already! I can't believe it has been a whole week...

I still have to tell the whole birth-story but for tonight just a quick update. We are doing great! Emma is a calm baby, content most of the time, sleeps well and cries only when she is hungry (or when her nappy is really dirty...) She usually gets hungry every 3 to 4 hours and in between she is mostly asleep, although there is times when she is alert and awake without crying and she loves to look around with the cutest expressions on her little face... She is SO cute!! When she looks at me she looks really deep into my eyes and gets a little frown from concentrating so hard :) it makes me laugh! She loves looking at people's faces and she is already following movement and sound. It also looks as if she is smiling at me every now and then, even though I know she cannot possibly be really smiling yet!
She loves sleeping in her daddy's arms and he is the expert when it comes to bath-time!

Yesterday we went for a walk to granny's house (just around the corner) with Emma in her baby-sense sling, and today we went to visit tannie Sarette (also in the sling) - Emma loves it! She falls asleep almost immediately and stays quiet all the time while I'm carrying her.

I cannot wait to go for a proper walk with her in her 3-wheeler-stroller, hopefully on Thursday afternoon we will join granny, auntie Cara and cousin Yamika for a walk, providing that the weather improves! I promise to take pictures if it happens! :)

That's all for now, will post the birth-story soon! Now it's time for a feed and then bed...

Baby pics, at last!

2008-08-19T22:11:00.003+02:00

Time to meet the monkey!

2008-08-16T21:20:00.003+02:00

Emma Büchner was born on 12 August at 11h25. I had a caesarean section because her head didn't descend, at time of her delivery we realised that it was because the umbilical cord was around her neck, which means that she wouldn't have been able to take the 'normal route'.

She weighed 3,6kg and is 100% healthy and a perfect little human being...

We came home from the hospital yesterday and are still busy adjusting, so far it has been very successful :) I just get tired quite quickly and it feels like there is not enough hours in the day to get everything done.

Enjoy the pics, next time I'll elaborate a bit more about the birth and the hospital stay.

Lots of love!

Ané and little monkey Emma

Maybe tomorrow, baby!

2008-08-11T18:59:00.002+02:00

Monday the 11th, another week starts with monkey very happy in my tummy! :)

We had a nice quiet weekend, slept late, had a very enjoyable woman's day breakfast with my parents on Saturday, and a proper 'braaivleis en kuier' with all the 'oumas en oupas' to be on Saturday evening. Sunday was just a quiet day at home - definitely (may I say!) our last Sunday as a couple without a monkey...

Tomorrow morning we are going to decide on a game plan. I am definitely not waiting another week...! If the gynae agrees we will try induction (I really really really hope we can give it a shot!) otherwise we will maybe have to go for the c-section option. But we are officially past our date now, and we are ready for action.

So, my friends....

maybe...

when I write my next post...

it will be with baby pics!

Lets hold thumbs please...

Due date??

2008-08-08T09:44:00.002+02:00

Today is Friday 8 August (8/8/2008) and according to dates today is our official due date - we are now 40 weeks. Still, the monkey is happy to stay where she is - and another Friday arrives without any baby pics...

I had two busy days (enjoying all my 'plans'!) - on Wednesday I spent the morning driving around and shopping with a friend, and then went with hubby to buy dinner at Subway on Hatfield Square :) what a weird experience! We were still sitting at home watching TV and the next moment he said he is really in the mood for a Subway sub (they used to buy it a lot when he was on contract in Bahrain), so we decided 'why not?', got into the car and drove to Hatfield. Unfortunately we had no idea where the shop was, so we had to 'phone a friend' first! :) But it was worth it - a footlong sub and a subway cookie later we were quite satisfied... :)

Yesterday morning I went to watch 'Miss Pettigrew lives for a day' at Cinema Nouveau. It was SO ENJOYABLE!!! :)
Just a feel-good, funny, well-casted and easy-to-watch enjoyable movie. I would really encourage anyone to go and watch it - even those who are not seasoned Cinema Nouveau fans. Good relaxation!
After the movie I joined my in-laws for a special lunch (my mother in law had a special friend visiting from Cape Town), and after that I had a quick visit with my own family (mom and sisters and niece) - a day full of plans! But a lot of fun :)

I slept a bit better last night, the past few nights I've been have bad cramping in my hips and lower back. Think my whole body is getting a bit fed-up with all the extra weight, the relaxed ligaments and the general sense of not having balance. I just wish the monkey could also get the message!
But, while she's happy and comfy inside I am taking it easy.

For today I don't have big plans, I really need to get a bit of studying done, then I'm definitely going to watch the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics, and we'll fit in another walk late afternoon...
and we wait...

Still no sign of labour coming closer

2008-08-05T11:22:00.002+02:00

This morning early I got a phone call from my gynae - she is going away for the weekend and she wanted to see me today to assess whether we could (?should) consider inducing labour before the weekend. We are now 39 weeks and 4 days so it made sense - the chances are there that labour may happen over the weekend and believe me, it is not really an experience I would like to go through with a complete stranger assisting...

Any case, I started mentally preparing myself for the possibility that tomorrow may just be the official arrival day... just to find out that this little monkey has not even remotely started considering being born. (wow, what a sentence!) What I am trying to say is that, after careful examination etc, the conclusion was that my body is not even close to going into labour yet. Should we attempt induction it is most likely to fail, and end up in a c-section, which I have been trying really hard to avoid.

So, understandably, I am a bit apprehensive about waiting another week but it seems as if it is the only option. If nothing has happened by next week Tuesday 08h00, we will have to reconsider and maybe even consider a c-section. Mmm.

On the bright side, monkey still seems to be happy and comfortable where she is, estimated weight 3,28kg and all else fine with her. So no reason to worry that she will be affected by our decision to wait another week. Will update if there is any news...

Planning my week!

2008-08-04T12:25:00.002+02:00

Good morning on another Monday without the monkey...!
Last night I read on some random website that the best thing to do these last few days is to have PLANS! So, this morning I got up with a head full of plans :)
The first on 'the list' was to go and watch a movie. So I went and watched 'Bella' this morning at 09h30. It was...
A MA ZING.
BEAUTIFUL.
And I cried my eyes out! I don't think I have ever cried in a movie like I did this morning! (and I am one of those people who normally cries in 9/10 movies!)
It was such a special Monday-morning experience.

So, for the rest of today (this is after washing dishes, doing laundry and updating email/blog) I am planning a good study session, a quick afternoon nap ;) and getting a bit of fresh (suddenly wintry again!) air with a nice brisk stroll round the neighbourhood :)

And providing nothing (?un)expected happens, I may just fit in another early-morning Cinema Nouveau movie tomorrow!

August!

2008-08-01T14:08:00.002+02:00

It is Friday, the 1st of August, and it would seem as if the monkey has decided to be an August baby... July is officialy over! We went to the doctor yesterday - monkey is still growing well and seems to be very happy and thriving in the slowly-shrinking-darkness where she is currently determined to stay! :)
Anyways! Went to watch a movie this morning with a good friend (who also happens to be pregnant!) and the two of us together managed to attract quite a few smiles and bemused looks (yes, at the moment I definitely look a full 39 weeks!!)... the waitress in the coffee shop could not stop smiling!
Spent some quality time with hubby this week catching up on dvd's and also went to see the new Batman movie (wow, impressive!), managed to get some efficient studying done, and went for three 3+ km walks... lets hope by next week Friday I'll be posting some real baby-pics...
Love!
A

Update... but no news yet...

2008-07-30T11:21:00.003+02:00

Wednesday and still no signs of impending labour...
I suppose I am a bit too impatient - we are not quite 39 weeks yet but I reallly am wondering when this thing will start happening!!
Sleeping at night is getting to be a bit of a mission - with turning around and the massive belly in the way, getting up to go to the bathroom at least 3/4 times a night...
Oh well, the joys of pregnancy!
We will be going to the doctor tomorrow, hopefully she has some good news...
:)

Waiting...

2008-07-26T16:26:00.004+02:00

It is Saturday afternoon and after about 3 hours of studying I am now allowing myself to RELAX! :) The past two days have been quiet and calm, no signs of labour yet...

Yesterday morning we moved my massive book-case out of the baby room and into the study, so now the room belongs 100% to the new little one. It is already looking beautiful - a true 'family-project' with furniture made by the granddad-to-be, curtains by the granny-to-be, and linen, blankets, pillows etc by other family members!

My mom and sister Cara - justifiably proud of the beautiful curtains!! :)

Otherwise not much news, waiting patiently for the unpredictable moment to arrive...

Will keep you up to date!

Expecting Emma...

2008-07-24T12:57:00.006+02:00

Today is Thursday 24 July and we are almost 38 weeks pregnant...

I am expecting my first little one, a baby girl we decided to give the precious name of Emma :) and we cannot wait to meet her!! I stopped working last week Friday (exiting with a 24-hour shift!) and now we are rested and ready for action!

Up to now I had a really 'easy' pregnancy, and have nothing to complain about aside from the 'normal' niggles (being huge and uncomfortable!). We are planning a normal delivery, and quite excited about it except for the unpredictability which is, at times, a bit unnerving... I really hope that we won't have to wait until the expected date (which is around the 8th of August)...

This is me with my huge belly ;) ...

And this is me with my three sisters (pic taken at my baby-shower)...

Hopefully I'll be able to post pics of the little monkey really soon :) until then you'll have to be content with 'the belly'...

Will keep you up to date with any news!