Good morning, monkey!

After sleeping the second night in her own bed, the monkey woke up (after a few night-time awakenings) with a huge smile and her first tooth! It is a tiny little tip of the tooth but it is definitely there (at last - was wondering if my baby would remain toothless forever!)...
She also stood alone (no support) for a few seconds yesterday, and this morning was banging objects together like she's been doing it for ages.
I know I have said this before and I may say it again, but I really am amazed at the way she learns something new every day. One can almost hear the synapses forming... :)

Democratic monkey :)

Growing together

About two hours ago I put my baby to bed. In her own bed, in her own room. Tonight will be the first night that we sleep together in the same house but in different rooms. It will be the first night that I have to listen to the baby monitor to know when my monkey needs me. It will be the first time in many months that I can brush my teeth as loud as I want and read a few pages of my book in bed before turning off the light. The first time since the birth of the monkey that I do not need to crawl into bed in the dark.

I must confess, it is quite a big step. Subconsciously I have been pondering about taking the plunge, but I am surprised at myself for doing it tonight. It all seems a bit abrupt and sudden. I think that a part of me is scared that it will get more difficult if I leave it too long, and since we were 'out of routine' the past three nights (we spent the long weekend in the 'bush') tonight is as good a night as any.

But sitting here I am looking at the baby monitor with a heavy heart, knowing that this process of growing up will bring with it many more scary moments such as this.

Winter monkey

We will always remember you

My friend
my little one
my girl

you were my patient but so much more
you had a beautiful soul
you were wise way beyond your years
you knew too much grief
but you were still filled with joy
you taught me compassion again
and empathy
your soul connected with mine
despite our hugely different backgrounds
you were always filled with hope
and you inspired those around you

i remember your hugs, your little hands, your eyes and your smile
you were a gem, a sparkle, a joy
you enriched my days
over and over again

and when the end came nearer you struggled
you kept hanging on
you did not want to let go

but today
your soul waved a final goodbye
swept away
forever to be free
free
of pain
free of nightmares
free of suffering

and here on earth we smiled through our tears
we were grieved
but happy
knowing that wherever you are now
you are happy
your memory will always be with us
and through our tears
we will remember you
with joy

The flame still flickers

Ten days after saying a 'final' goodbye she is still breathing. On Thursday there was a short moment when she actually held my hand and squeezed it a bit. And for a few optimistic seconds I could feel hope swelling in my chest and nudging the corners of my mouth in the direction of an almost-smile...
But today she was convulsing again, focal (one-sided) convulsions, probably due to the ominous disease slowly destroying her being. And I held her hand, once again, stroked her fingers, tried to will her into knowing that I am there. And that, even when I am not there - even when no-one is with her, she is never alone. And that she should not be scared to let go. I believe that in the Place she is going to she will find happiness, be reunited with her parents, and finally be able to forget about the pain and the nightmares.
So we are still waiting for the final farewell.

Little Bookworm

Never too early to start brainwashing your baby to inherit your own obsessions... :)

The picture was taken in February, Emma obviously enjoying the book. Today she impressed me immensely - we were reading "Waar is Otto", and she was opening all the flaps by herself! I know she probably practised before with her granny, but I didn't expect her to be able to open them all without any help! Wow! :)